Hungry?

 

As a departure from my usual ramblings about how unfair life is and how although the solutions to life’s problems is not to be found at the bottom of a whisky bottle its fun to try and find them there anyway, I thought I would write about something which brings me great pleasure… gluttony.

More accurately I refer to the art of making a good sandwich.

Being British I thought we had the whole thing covererd right from our nice little triangular cucumber sandwiches to the heart attack inducing ‘chip butty’. I was mistaken.

My best friend, a chef in the US of A once proudly informed me that ‘whatever you can put on a plate, I can put in a sandwich‘. To illustrate the point he made the largest bread rolls (more akin to logs) I have ever seen and proceeded to fill them with layer after layer of meat, crispy fried chicken, salad, cheese, pickle, more meat, fried potatoes then mayonnaise. Literally a plate full of food crammed into a sandwich.

 

Impressive thought I. Until of course I took a bite of one end while watching the entire contents spill out of the other. Which of course brings me to a question and a challenge for my regular reader (the one and only reader). When you have made the perfect sandwich or sub as my friend called it, how the hell are you supposed to eat it without dislocating your jaw, bursting several blood vessels or looking a complete prat?

Answers on a postcard please. The best suggestion will win a sandwich. It’s one we accidentally dropped on the floor but all the bits of dirt and fluff have been scraped off so it’s OK.

Here’s my attempt at a top 5

5. Cut the sandwich in half so that you have a chance of covering it with your hands in case anything tries to escape. The cupping method.

4. Squash the sandwich into a more manageable size. Asking a fat person to sit on it usually has the desired effect however please use tact when asking for use of their buttocks. Also don’t be surprised if you loose it either between the cheeks or in a fold of flab. This is better known as the elephant method.

3. Lean right over your plate then take a bite from  one end then the next bite from the other until your bites meet in the middle. This is the see-saw method.

2. Get the sandwich, shove it in a blender and liquidise it. Its easier to eat through a straw. Great idea for hospital food. The baby food method.

1. Get naked, get in the bath tub and go wild. When finished just wash the spilled bits of food and dribble off with the shower. The pig slop method.