The holidays are a time for taking a pause in the maelstrom of our brief but tempestuous existence. Time to have a break from the norm, to relax and to spend time with the family or in quiet introspection. It is indeed a happy holiday.
Unless your name happens to be Freddy.
Recently I have been experiencing pain in my feet. I say recently however the problem has persisted for about 18 months now but because I’m a man, a British man and British men are capable of putting up with all kinds of pain with a firm resolve and a stiff upper lip (unless it’s a man cold… that’s an entirely different thing), I have resisted going to the doctor.
The issue came to a head however when I was wrenched out of bed for the third time in as many days with excruciating agony and cramps in my feet and calf muscles you would not believe. Off I hobbled to the quack only to find that the pain disappeared the moment I entered the surgery and the doctor failed to find anything wrong. By the look on his face I could tell he suspected me of being some kind of hypochondriac loon. He sent me on my way with a bill for the consultation and a prescription for laxatives.
The problem persisted though and was compounded by an acute bout of the schlits. Finally after having the first day of my well earned holiday ruined by laxative induced diarrhea and the inability to walk without wincing I went to a different doctor for a second opinion. Again, the moment I stepped into his surgery the pain disappeared. Thankfully though he decided to give me a full examination after which he informed me that my feet are deformed and that I’ve been walking incorrectly for the past 26 (I wish) years. Great! Mutant spastic feet. Why couldn’t the deformity have been to my benefit, you know like the X-Men. My mutant feet could have made me run faster or leap higher. I could have been a super hero capable of catching a speeding bullet with my toes but NO!!! Instead I hobble around like a man in his eighties with the doctor telling me that I have to learn to walk again with special insoles in my shoes. Aaaarrrgh… me… special as in weird.
Somebody please shoot me now.
To add insult to injury, I must have picked up some kind of infection at the doctors because no more than ten minutes after returning home my eye lids inflated to Asian proportions resulting in yet another visit to the doctor.
The remainder of the holiday was spent hobbling around on painful feet with my arms outstretched feeling for things because I couldn’t see due to swollen eye lids. Honestly, I must have looked like something out of a crappy Jappy zombie movie.
Still, the holidays are now over and I’m back at work where its safe and the only things to contend with are stress and miserable old clients.
