If you’re easily offended don’t read further! You have been warned.
You see my sense of humor has a tendency to gravitate toward the base and crude or the toilet; whichever terminology you prefer.
Now don’t misunderstand me. I have a very good sense of humor. I enjoy a good laugh like the next man (or woman for that matter) and my tastes vary from highbrow wit to down right rude. Among the literature I choose to read you will find works by Oscar Wilde, Stephen Fry, P.G.Wodehouse and Douglas Adams along with the occasional Terry Pratchett and Robert Rankin. I am also an avid reader of Private Eye. I particularly enjoy satire, sarcasm, a punchy one liner as well as a cutting witty retort.
There is one thing though that is guaranteed to have me doubled over, shaking, clutching my chest and streaming with tears and no, its not a heart attack. It is anything remotely funny with subject matter that originates from the area of the human body which begins just below the belly button and finishes somewhere above the knees.
As an axample of this; the three lovely ladies whom I am privileged (and lucky) enough to work along with, were all looking at a computer screen and showing the above mentioned symptoms. So much hilarity had ensued in fact that between the three of them the office probably lost about half an hours worth of work. So intrigued was I that I crept behind them to see the source of such merriment. There on the screen was a list of slang phrases and expressions all describing male masturbation.
A short version follows;
Adjusting your set, Answer the Bone-A-Phone, Arm-wrestling the purple-headed stormtrooper, Assault on a Friendly Weapon, Baiting your hook, Bangin’ your bacon, Banging the Cyclops, Barking up the wrong tree, Bash the bishop, Basting the ham, Beating the Altar Boy, Beating your Meat, Biblical Bending, Bouncing the bunny, Boxing the bald champ, Buffing the pickle, Buffing the rifle, Buttering your corn, Charming the one-eyed trouser snake, Choke the chicken, Climbin’ the tree, Clubbing the dolphin, Coming to grips with yourself, Consulting with your silent partner, Cracking one off, Dancing round the maypole, Debugging the hard drive, Digging for change, Doin’ a loner with your boner, Doing the five-knuckle shuffle, Doing the hand jive, Doodle Your Noodle, Faxing the Pope, Gallop the Maggot, Gardening with the golden trowel, Giving yourself a low five, Going Hans Solo on Darth Vader’s head, Going on Peewee’s little adventure, Going steady with my bouncing Betty, Goose the gherkin, Greasing the flagpole, Have One Off the Wrist, Hitchhike Under the Big Top, Hoisting the flag, Honing your bone, Honk your horn, Jerkin’ the gherkin, Knuckle nobbing, Laying the smack down on yourself, Muscling up, One gun salute, Painting the picket fence, Pam Anderson Polka, Pattin’ the puppy, Paying at the turnpike, Peter beater, Play a little five-on-one dong, Playing pocket pinball, Playing pocket pool, Polish the Chrome Dome, Polish the family jewels, Polishing Thor’s Hammer, Pudwhacking, Pull Your Pud, Punishing Percy, Rolling your own, Roping the pony, Rubbing Buddha’s special belly, Sanding wood, Scouring the tower of power, Seasonin’ Your Meat, Shaking hands with Mr. Happy, Sharpening your pencil, Shavin’ the carrot, Shinning Your Trophy, Shooting the pump action porridge gun, Shooting the sherbert, Slammin’ the Salami, Slap My Happy Sacks, Sloppy Joe’s Last Stand, Spanking Elvis, Spanking Frank, Spanking the bishop, Spanking the monkey, Spanking the plank, Squeezing the snake with the turtleneck sweater, Swinging the light saber, Take the fifth, Tenderize the Meat, Turning Japanese, Unsheathing the pork sword, Wacking the weiner, Whackin’ the weasel, Working late at the office, Wrestling the bald-headed champ, Wrist aerobics, Yanking your crank.
After regaining my own composure and to balance things out I decided to see if there were similar comments to describe the female act. Again, here is the short list; Enjoy.
5 Digit Disco, Airing the Orchid, Auditioning the Finger Puppets, Backslappin’ Betty, Backstroke Roulette, Bailing out the Gravy Boat, Barking at the ape, Battery-testing, Beat the Beaver, Beating Around the Bush, Boffing the Bud, Bouncing on the Bed, Bouncing the bearded clam, Buff the Weasle, Buffing the box, Buffing the jewel, Buffing the Muff, Bushwhacking, Buzzing the honey hole, Carpet Bumping, checking the undercarriage, Clam diving, Click the mouse, Crossing the Great Divide, Dialing “O” on the little pink telephone, Diddling miss daisy, Enjoying a little Southern Comfort, Fanning the Furnace, Finger painting, Flickin’ the Bean, hand jiving, having a manually assisted fantasy, Having Sex With Someone you Love, Holding the Hamster, Menage a’moi, One Hand Clapping, Paddling the Pink Canoe, Parting the Red Sea, Pearl Diving, Playing in the sandbox, Pokin’ the pie, Pressing the Pleats, Ringing for the Maid, Roughing up the suspect, scratching that old itch, Slamming the Clam, Squeeze the Peach, Ticklin’ the taco, Tiptoe Through the TwoLips, Touch-typing, Yodeling in the canyon of love.
