12 of the finest double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio

 1. Ted Walsh – Horse Racing Commentator – ‘This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.’  

2. New Zealand Rugby  Commentator – ‘Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.’  

3.. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator – ‘And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria .. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!’  

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 – ‘Ah, isn’t that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.’  

5. US PGA Commentator – ‘One of the reasons Arnie ( Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them .. Oh my god !! What have I just said??’  

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on ‘Time Team Live’ said: ‘You’d eat beaver if you could get it.’  

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked, ‘So Bob, where’s that eight inches you promised me last night?’ Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!  

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: ‘Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.’  

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on ‘Look North’ said: ‘There’s nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. ‘  

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on ‘Sky Sports’: ‘Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis’s misses every chance he gets.’  

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1′s UK eclipse coverage remarked: ‘They seem cold out there. They’re rubbing each other and he’s only come in his shorts.’  

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: ‘Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.’    

 

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F

They think its all over…

Well done Spain, history in the making. First World Cup final, first World Cup victory pulled out of the hat at the very last moment.

Holland. Tut, tut, tut. You should be ashamed of yourselves. How many yellow cards did you get to go along with the red one? Stick to making porn me thinks.

Freddy the octopus has spoken.

Here we are again

Yes indeed. After a temporary interlude your’s truly is back and so, coincidentally is the Miss Gibraltar 2010 pageant.

But which one of these lovely ladies will win this year? Remember, the winner of last year’s pageant went on to become Miss World so this is serious stuff.

Back on the road again…

Yes for the third time since coming to Spain, I have to move house again. I’d tell you where but then I’d have to kill you.

So I guess I’ll have another 3 month battle with Telefonica ( by far the worse communication service provider in the history of the universe - really!!! I get better service tying two tin cans together with string) before my internet connection is restored.

I know how hard it will be for you to live without me but in the oft’ quoted words of my old friend Arnie, ‘I’ll be back’.

Until then…

F

Human traffic

 I dread Gibraltar in the summer with all the tourists and cruise ships coming in. They all head for Main Street looking for bargains and souvenirs. Perhaps they are tempted by the much advertised ‘VAT free goods’ only of course to realise that goods are subject to a not so advertised import duty which basically means that there are no bargains to be had rather prices are ridiculously expensive with the average price for a film on DVD being over £20. The only things going cheap in Gibraltar are cigarettes and alcohol which explains why the place is full of chain smoking alcoholics. Oh, and the legal age to buy drink is 16.

Nevertheless, the tourists still flood Main Street in droves making it almost impossible to navigate your way through them. My Maltese friends will understand this as a similar thing happens on Republic Street in Valetta when the ships come in and large groups of tourists with stickers on their T-shirts frantically try to keep up with some umbrella wielding tour guide. So bad is the traffic (and by traffic I mean people) situation that I feel it is time to impose rules on how walking along a busy shopping street should be undertaken and to impose fines on any who break said rules. 

From careful observation I have found it possible to categorise the different types of traffic problem which I feel should be addressed.

1. Old people. They are too bloody slow.

2. Old people in chains. Old dears who link arms and walk three abreast forming a slow moving and quite impenetratable wall of wrinkled flesh.

3. Drifters. People who, rather than walking in a straight line just drift from one side of the road to another like they are drifting on the breeze. This is compounded when they are old and in a chain.

4. Sudden stoppers. People who just stop in the middle of traffic flow for no reason or just because something has caught their attention in a shop window.

5. Random darters. People who suddenly change direction and dart right in front of you because something on the other side of the street has caught their attention. This problem is compounded if they are also sudden stoppers. Even worse if they are old and in a chain.

6. Ballroom dancers. Idiots who walk straight for you so you move to the right to pass them only to have them move to their left and block you. You then move to the left only to have them move to their right and block you again. This continues until you both meet nose to nose. This is made worse if they are old, fat or sweaty but is eased if they are hot and wearing a short skirt and a flimsy top only just containing soft silky mounds of… sorry where were we.

There are of course many more however I’m just too lazy to bother listing them. I think my point is that I’m sick of having a 5 minute dash to the sandwich shop turned into a zigzag marathon which takes 3 times as long and leaves me exhausted and at the point of an asthma attack.

Washing the car with Alexa

As my one regular reader well knows I lead an incredibly hectic life. You know how it is. Holding down the day job as a cover while acting as top-secret agent and government spy, risking life and limb for queen, country and blah blah blah… etc… A consequence of this is that I had not had the chance to wash the car of late and the layers of dirt were really starting to build up.

I happened to mention this to my housemaid who with her usual enthusiasm, offered to wash the car for me. I, being extremely busy and also not wishing to get my hands all stained and wrinkled by the soapy water, accepted.

“Now Alexa…” I said, “please remember that the car shampoo is very concentrated and so you only need a little drop in the bucket of hot water.”

“Iss Ok Senior.” she replied. “I wash the coche of mi hermano a lot of times. It will be fantastic. You see when yous come ‘ome.”

“Alright then. I’ll leave it to you. Thank you for your help.” and with that I jumped on my motorcycle and headed for the secret submarine base hidden within the rock of Gibraltar where my anti-(muslim)terrorist base is housed.

The rest of the day was pretty uneventful. I finished some paper work, interrogated an Algerian terrorist and got him to reveal the whereabouts of the rest of his terrorist cell by sawing half way through one of his legs with a chainsaw while feeding the other to a Barbary ape, and picked up a bit of dry cleaning. You know, a typical day. I then headed home fully expecting to see a gleaming car in the garage.

How wrong was I?

Well, to her credit she had tried however quite obviously had not listened to my warning about the car shampoo. The result being that when I returned home she was soaking wet and covered in foam.

“What have you done?” said I.

“Oh, I soo sorry senior. I uses too mucha soap an’ the bubbles (pronounced boobles) made me all wet so I ‘ad to take of mis clothes…” (sorry, I forgot to mention that part). “… now I is cold an’ wet and need to get ‘ot an’ wet. Will you ‘elp mi senior?”

Well, what can one say. “Hot and wet coming right up.”

Anyway, just for my loyal reader (for your eyes only) I managed to sneak a photo with the spy camera hidden within my sun shades.

Until next time, this is agent Freddy signing off.

Joke about government workers – stupid but true

A man went to the Civil Service to apply for a job. The interviewer asked him, ‘Are you allergic to anything?
He replied, ‘yes – caffeine’.
Have you ever been in the military service?
‘Yes,’ he replied.’ I was in Iraq for two years.’
The interviewer said, ‘That will give you 5 extra points towards employment.
Then he asked, are you disabled in any way?’
The man said, ‘Yes… A roadside bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles.’
The interviewer said O.K. – You’ve got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. To 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 A.M. and plan on starting @ 10:00 A.M. every day.
The man, puzzled, asks, ‘if the work hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me here at 10?
‘This is a government job,’ the interviewer said. ‘For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that!

Boobies on the beach part 2

My loyal reader may remember that some time ago I wrote about a rather embarrassing family day at the beach at Golden Bay, Malta. As a reminder the incident had something to do with us quite accidentally choosing a spot on the beach surrounded by topless ladies some of whom had rather fetching bosoms it has to be said. Great for the hot blooded male on his own or with his mates (and by mates I mean friends and not the brand of condom), but certainly not with his wife and child.

How could I possibly top this gaff that could be described as having proportions of the large variety?

Well it is and actually was possible as my tale of woe will tell.

A few km’s from where I live there is a seaside town named Tarifa. The position of the town, being where the Med meets the Atlantic gives rise to a constant wind which blows across the sea and ensures that the sea is perfect for surfing most of the year round. Having heard so much about the place, we decided to visit the beautiful, long sandy beaches and spend the day sunbathing…as you do.

We arrived fully kitted out with the appropriate beach equipment. Folding chairs, sandwiches, drinks, balls (inflatable if you must know) etc… and set up camp on a little spot sheltered from the wind without taking much notice of the folks around us. After busying ourselves with setting things out and making things comfortable we then set about the business of relaxing. It was then and only then that I happened to glance at the people sitting a few yards to our right. They were girls. Young girls. Pretty girls. Very naked girls.

Yes dear reader we had found the only part of the beach reserved for naturalists.

While I glanced at the disrobed female forms before me, one of them decided to sit up, open her legs wide and begin brushing sand from between her tulips. It then occurred to me that my glance may have actually been too long for when I turned back to see if my family had noticed, there were glaring faces pointed in my direction. They were the faces of my wife and her parents who just happened to be with us that day.

What could I say? I was caught red handed as it were. Even worse was the fact that my tight little swimming shorts were now bursting at the seams.

Needless to say that the next time I visit Tarifa, I will be alone with only my camera for company.

Julia & Julia

I recently watched the movie of the above named title and have to recommend it to all my readers (well the one reader that pops up occasionally). The film is fantastic and showcases what supreme acting talent and versatility Meryl Streep possesses. Stanley Tucci is also superb as always. 

As a fanatic about food and cooking the film made me want to jump straight into the kitchen although boiling lobsters is not on my menu and I certainly will not look at cannelloni the same way.

The other thing it made me realise is that writing my little blog here does me good. You know, helps to release the tension of a day dealing with clients all of whom are too rich for their own good. So I’m back to it after too long an absence even if I only get readers when I use the word ‘Boobies’.

Watch the film, enjoy and tell me what you thought.

Until next time, this is IllusiveFreddy signing out and going to down a glass or two of whiskey.